


Never Enough

by brokenotbroken, freetowrite (brokenotbroken)



Category: US Comedians RPF
Genre: Codependent Nick, College, Comedy RPF, Drinking, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Recovery, john is a wreck, substance use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-01-29 04:00:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21403840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenotbroken/pseuds/brokenotbroken, https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenotbroken/pseuds/freetowrite
Summary: John has a problem. Nick wants to fix it.
Relationships: Nick Kroll & John Mulaney
Comments: 4
Kudos: 23





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> In more blunt terms, this is your basic (probably porny) john-is-a-drug-addict-college-student-and-nick-wants-to-save-him fic. This is loosely based off the details of my own addiction/recovery/the real John Mulaney's descriptions of his addiction and the characters are inspired by the real John/Nick, otherwise THIS IS COMPLETELY A WORK OF FICTION THAT I HOPE TO GOD THEY NEVER READ.

He first met John through Georgetown’s improv club. It was Nick’s last year of college, and John was just a freshman, but that didn’t stop Nick from falling for him.  
It was hard not to love John. Short, floppy, dark brown hair, bright blue eyes and a dimpled smile topped his six-foot-tall, adorably scrawny figure. And, boy was he funny. He could bring even the most stone-faced students to tears. 

“Do you wanna go out to a party with me tonight?” John asked Nick after their first practice. Sure, maybe it was too forward, but they had already hit it off over the course of the last two hours.  
“Dude, I’m a senior, do you think I still go to parties when I can get into bars?” Nick replied.  
John looked down in disappointment.  
“I’m kidding, man,” Nick assured him. “Well, kind of. But I’d love to go with you. Just haven’t been super wild and crazy for the past two years so bear with me.”  
“You’re fine,” John said, “I’m just glad I have someone to go with. I’ll meet you at your dorm.”

Knock, knock. Nick tapped gently on John’s room’s door.  
“C’min!” Nick heard John mumble.  
Nick opened it to find John sitting on his bed, taking a big swing from a large metal flask. “Whoah, John, are you already drunk?”  
“Nah, I’m just getting an early start before tonight,” John said.  
“Okay,” Nick replied hesitantly. Nick was already ambivalent about getting drunk that night, and the fact that John was clearly about to get trashed reaffirmed his decision not to exceed a couple drinks.  
“I’m ready to go when you are,” John said.

When they entered the frat house, Nick immediately regretted coming. He didn’t miss the sweaty freshman and sophomore bodies, the cheap beer and liquor, the even cheaper public displays of something that vaguely resembled affection. After one stale beer, his focus had shifted primarily to watching out for John’s safety, which seemed to be a difficult task.  
Nick lost track of how many shots John had thrown down, along with the cocktail of strange pills (just Vicodin, John assured him) and a few lines of coke. Nick had tried coke a couple times his freshman year, but didn’t really care for it, certainly not as much as John did.  
“Jesus, John, I think we should go home now,” Nick said, placing a gentle hand on John’s shoulder to steady his flailing thin body.  
“Jesus? I—I thought you were Jewish,” John slurred.  
Nick forced a laugh. “Okay, buddy, I think you need some fresh air, let’s go outside.”

As soon as they left the house, John collapsed to his knees on the sidewalk and began to vomit violently.  
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Nick asked.  
“Mmmhmm,” John replied. “This is normal for me.”  
Nick didn’t know if that phrase should have comforted him, but it only made him worry even more.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the screwy formatting! I might go back and edit it but probably not.

As exhausted as he had been taking care of John the night before, Nick couldn’t resist knocking on John’s door the next morning. Supposedly John’s roommate had gone home to Maryland for the weekend, so Nick figured this was the most time he’d get to spend alone with John for a bit. It was 11am on a Saturday, and after the night John had, Nick wasn’t sure if John would be awake, so he knocked gently.  
About two minutes later John opened the door, revealing his tired body swallowed by an oversized t-shirt and loose basketball shorts. His hair was unkempt and tangled and dark circles had formed beneath his eyes. “Oh, hi Nick,” he grumbled.  
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” Nick said.  
“Nah, you’re good. I should get up anyway. Come in.”  
John flopped down to sit on his bed and Nick sat down next to him.  
“How are you doing today?” Nick asked.  
“Not too bad,” John replied. “I took a couple Tylenol.”  
“You really shouldn’t take Tylenol after drinking so much,” Nick said. “It’s really bad for your liver.”  
John rolled his eyes. “Okay, Mom,” he said sarcastically. “Oh, by the way, what happened last night?”  
“We went to a party as per your request,” Nick reminded him.  
“Yeah, I know that,” John said. “But what happened there?”  
“Well, what do you remember?”  
John was well accustomed to the blackouts. So much so that he kind of enjoyed putting the pieces of the puzzle together the next day; he felt like a Law & Order detective solving a case. “So last night, I drank some and then did a few lines of coke and then I took a couple Vicodin with tequila and…I don’t remember after that. Did I do anything interesting?” John chuckled.  
“Nah, we went outside and you just threw up on the sidewalk for like ten minutes.”  
Typical. John had hoped for something more interesting. “Oh, well I guess it’s good I got it out of my system last night. I haven’t thrown up this morning.”  
Nick raised his eyebrows. “Am I supposed to be impressed by that?”, he asked rhetorically, shaking his head. “Hey, I brought you something.” Nick reached into his backpack and pulled out a bottle of Mountain Dew, passing it to John.  
“Aww, how sweet of you,” John gave him an adorable smile. It wasn’t until now that Nick had appreciated the galaxy of freckles that spanned across his cheeks and forehead. He was too damn cute. Nick just wanted to press his face against John’s and taste those soft, delicate lips, but it was too soon, and maybe he was reading it all wrong. The kid was just a freshman, for god’s sake.  
“What are you doing today?” Nick asked him.  
“Just studying until tonight,” John replied. “And then I’m gonna go out with my girlfriend Julie. She goes to American.”  
Nick could feel his heart sink a little. He forced a smile, “Ahh, found a girlfriend in Washington already?”  
“No, actually she went to my high school in Illinois. We’ve been together for over a year. Ended up at different colleges, but we’re in the same city, so things are working out.”  
The touch of hesitation in John’s voice gave Nick a drop of comfort, as much as he hated to admit it to himself. Even if things don’t work out, he would never fall for you, Nick told himself. “Alright, well, I’ll let you get to your homework then.”  
“Okay, thanks,” John replied. “Hey, uh, Nick, do you want to go out tomorrow night?”

“It’s a Sunday!” Nick said.  
“So?”  
“Okay, I’ll stop by Sunday night and I guess we can play it by ear.” Partying with John on a Sunday night sounded like it might be trouble, but Nick just couldn’t resist the temptation.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are heating up, y'all. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Nick met John around 9pm that Sunday night. John was, as Nick expected, already a little tipsy, sitting on his bed with his back propped against a pillow. Steely Dan’s “Hey Nineteen” was playing on John’s stereo, and a fifth of vodka stood on his dresser. Next to the bottle was the plastic CD case with two lines of white powder arranged neatly on top.  
John reached for the CD case and pulled a dollar bill from his pocket. He dipped his pinky in the powder and rubbed a bit onto his gums before briskly inhaling one of the lines. “Oh hi Nick, want a line?” John asked.  
“What a nice way to say hi,” Nick replied. “I think I’ll pass though.”  
“Suit yourself,” John said, abruptly sniffing up the second line. “More for me.”  
“You’re too much,” Nick laughed. “Hey, where’s the party we’re going to?”  
“Well,” John said, pausing to pick up the vodka and take a swig. “I’m not really feeling like going out after last night. I was thinking we could have our own party here.” John held out the bottle for Nick.  
Nick accepted it and took a big gulp. “I’ll drink to that,” he said. “I’m not really feeling like going out after last night. I guess I’ve kind of grown out of those crazy crowds.”  
“No one’s saying just the two of us can’t be crazy.” John flashed his bright white smile, and then began licking his gums aggressively.  
“You seem pretty fuckin’ crazy, no offense,” Nick said.  
John pulled out a little baggie of cocaine from his pocket and dumped a little bump on his knuckle, lifting it to his nostril and inhaling. “None taken,” he said, sounding a little congested.  
“You know coke is addictive,” Nick said.  
“I know, I know, I don’t usually do very much of it,” John lied. “But I don’t want to black out tonight.” John to another gulp of vodka, wincing as he felt his throat burn. “That’s what the coke is for.”  
“Well, it’s very sweet of you to want to remember your night with me,” Nick said, picking up the bottle again and taking a gentle sip. He was starting to feel the warmth of the alcohol making him loose and comfortable. He stared at John’s eyes, which were so glossy and red, yet still so beautiful. He just wanted to run his hand through that mess of thick, dark hair, to run the back of his hand down those soft, freckled cheeks.  
“Kiss me,” John blurted.  
“What?” Nick said. “John, you’re drunk.”  
“Please, kiss me Nick.”  
“John, you have a girlfriend! You love her.”  
“I don’t care,” John reached his flailing hands to Nicks shoulders and looked right into his eyes.  
Nick knew it was wrong. John was so drunk and coked up and had a fucking girlfriend. But Nick was a little too drunk himself to resist. He grabbed John’s cheeks and pressed his face against John’s, leaning in closer and savoring the softness of John’s lips, moving his hands to stroke John’s hair. He could feel John’s erection pushing from his jeans against Nick’s stomach, and Nick felt himself get hard.  
John guided Nick’s right hand down to the button of his jeans, and Nick couldn’t help but open the button and unzip. He reached into John’s boxers and massaged his throbbing cock. John moaned passionately as he came into Nick’s hand.


	4. Chapter 4

Three days had passed and Nick hadn’t heard from John. He’d sent John a string of texts, but none elicited any response.

John, I’m so sorry about the other night.   
John, please forgive me.  
Hey, are you okay, haven’t heard from you?  
Still waiting to hear from you.  
Are you gonna be at improv practice?  
You ok?

Not one text back. Nick kept his eyes out for him when he walked through campus, but amongst thousands of other students, he knew John might never pass him.   
He started to worry—was John okay? He was certainly living a dangerous lifestyle, what if something happened to him? What if he died? No, Nick thought. We would have heard something if he’d died. 

Nick couldn’t stop thinking about their drunken encounter. He hated himself more every time he thought about it. Yes, John wanted it. Yes, John led him on. But John had a girlfriend. Nick knew John would regret it. If Nick had been sober, he would have refused to do it, even though he wanted to. John was so goddamn cute, how could he not want to? But sober Nick would have realized he might sabotage John’s relationship. 

And John was so fucking fragile. Nick was pained by the thought of John waking up and hating himself for his infidelity, probably reaching for another bottle of liquor to numb the pain. 

Nick pushed himself forward, acting as if nothing happened. He went to classes and clowned around like his usual self. And it was Wednesday, which meant improv practice was that night. Maybe he’d see John there. He could apologize in person. 

But when Nick got to practice, he looked around the room and didn't see John. Maybe he was running a little late. But John was always early. Well, John was late to almost everything except improv class. 

“Hey everybody,” said Jake, the curly-red-haired president of their improv group. “I’ve got some unfortunate news. John Mulaney has decided to drop out of our group.” 

A symphony of moans and groans spread across the room, and Nick felt his heart sink in his chest. It’s because of me, he thought. We lost our best member because of me.

After a dismal, low-energy night of practice, Nick dashed to John’s dorm, determined to get an answer from John. He just wanted to apologize, make things right, even if John was unwilling to accept. 

Nick knocked loudly on John’s door. 

John opened the door slightly, revealing his frazzled, flushed face and murky blue eyes. “Fuck, Nick. I can’t talk to you.”

“Please, John,” Nick said. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“Nick, I don’t think we should be friends anymore. I don’t want to let Julie down,” he replied. “But just so you know, it’s not your fault.” 

John shut the door and Nick walked back to his room through the dead of night as tears rolled down his cheeks.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

2 years passed since they talked. For two years Nick wondered about John, worried about him, hoped for him, longed for him. But his better judgement had stopped Nick from sending a text or writing a letter or making a phone call. And then one day, more than a year after Nick had graduated from college, he received the text:

Hi Nick, it’s John Mulaney. I’m sorry I broke things off the way I did and I've missed you since. I miss you and I have no one else to talk to bc Julie dumped me and I just wanna die. Can I come see you? John

Nick stared down at his phone in awe, as he never thought he would hear from John again. The thought of those gorgeous blue eyes and lanky body charmed Nick’s mind once again. Nick replied:

Hi John, it’s good to hear from you and i hope you are ok. I would love to see you but I'm working in New York now which is far from you. Do you want to call?

Nick hated how formal the message sounded, but he pressed send anyway. He waited a couple minutes before his phone buzzed again:

I’ll come to new york tonight, i can take the bus. Just need a place to stay. I don't want to be alone.

Nick relished the thought of John curled up on his couch. He texted:

Yeah, feel free to stay with me. Miss you man. 

***

Nick opened the door to find John looking rougher than ever. He had lost weight and had looked emaciated, with sunken cheekbones and a pasty complexion. The whites of his blue eyes were glossy and reddish.. “It’s good to see you,” Nick told him. 

When Nick embraced him he could feel John’s ribs poking him from beneath their clothing. He looked up at John’s face and noticed blood crusted around and inside his right nostril. He reeked of alcohol. 

“Dude, are you drunk?” Nick asked.

“I had a bit to drink on the way over,” John replied. 

“They serve alcohol on the bus?”

“No, I brought my own,” John pulled out a nearly empty water bottle with a clear liquid inside, presumably vodka.

“You’re scaring me, John,” Nick said. 

“Hey, don’t make me regret coming to see you,” John told him. “I’m going through a breakup, remember?”

“Fair enough,” Nick said, although unsatisfied with John’s justification. “Just promise me something.”

“Huh?”

“Please lay off the coke while you’re here, John. You don’t look healthy.”

“I’m just tired,” John replied. 

“Let me get you a blanket then.” Nick walked to his bedroom and returned with a thick fleece blanket and a pillow.

John had already removed his clothing, standing in just his boxers and a t-shirt and socks to keep his feet warm. Nick wrapped the soft blanket tightly around John’s delicate form, guiding John towards the couch, where he gladly collapsed. Despite the thick blanket, Nick was saddened to see John’s body trembling. He had hardly any body fat to keep him warm. 

“Hey, buddy, would it be better to sleep in my bed with me? You know, I’m thinking just so you stay a little warmer.”

“Mmmh,” John replied hazily, pulling himself from the coach, blanket and all, and following Nick to his bedroom. He crawled into Nick’s king bed and underneath the comforter. Nick crawled in beside him. 

“I’m gonna turn out the lights, okay John?” Nick said.

“Kiss me first,” John said abruptly. Before Nick could protest he added, “That’s all I want. Nothing else. Just kiss me and I’ll go to bed.”

Nick moved one hand to cup John’s face and slid his other hand beneath John’s narrow waist. He pressed his lips against John’s. It made Nick sad to so strongly taste alcohol in John’s mouth, but he relished the sensation of John’s soft, warm lips intermingled with his own. “Good night,” Nick said, turning out the light.

“Night,” John replied, quickly drifting to sleep.

Nick couldn’t help but watch John as the moon cast a faint light across his sleeping form. Even in John’s sickly state he was adorable. Nick lightly brushed his hand through John’s soft, brown hair and ran his thumb across John’s lightly freckled forehead. He bat his eyelashes a couple times, eyelids heavy, and Nick worried he may have woken John, but John wasn’t complaining. He drifted right back into his heavy slumber. 

It was much harder for Nick to sleep. He kept looking back at John, making sure he was still there, and still breathing. For two years he’d worried how John was doing, not knowing whether or not he was even alive, and now that John was lying next to him, Nick was more paranoid than ever. His friend—was that what they were? friends—was killing himself right in front of him, and there was nothing Nick wanted more than to save him.


End file.
